Women in midlife crisis or midlife awakening?
What is a midlife crisis for a woman?
Are you in midlife and thinking about making a major change, but the same old fears hold you back? I offer EMDR intensives for just this kind of thing. Waitlist now open.
Did you know that this term is searched in google at least 1,300 times each month? Now that I’m the ripe old (midlife) age of 44, I’ve gotten very curious about what our preoccupation is with women’s midlife crises, so I’ve started to do a little research about this. To set the tone for this blog post, it’s important to note that “what is a midlife crisis for a man?” is searched a whopping less than half the amount of times each month at 590 searches.
Whereas a midlife crisis for a man is something that is often expected and for which we have many external images or scenarios (cars, younger women, etc.) it seems that a midlife crisis for a woman is a far more internal experience that engenders worry, fears, or concerns about disruption.
So, my question is, what’s so scary, confusing, off-putting, or intriguing about midlife crisis women?
A woman in a midlife crisis is questioning… everything
I recently listened to an amazing podcast with Glennon Doyle about why so many of us, and those around us, find themselves curious about the phenomenon and transition period that is midlife. In the podcast, Doyle discusses the freedom that she has found at this point in her life, turning 46 years old. The conversation among the women focused on how, at this midway point through our lives, we have the opportunity to let go of roles and and lean into our souls. When we are asked about ourselves, women’s responses often center around the roles that we fill - roles of mother, wife, daughter, sister, step-mom, grandmother, teacher, attorney, and so on. We self-define by relation to others.
However, midlife, and the realization of our own mortality, can serve as a time in which we can pause and reflect on the life lived and roles filled to date; we are beckoned to instead consider our souls, our inner wishes and desires, because we can hear the clock ticking during this “intermission” of sorts. All the years worked toward becoming someone - a professional, a parent, a good wife - are part of the first half of life. When one moves toward her mid-forties, there can be relief and freedom in giving up on the striving that is so much a part of younger life, resting in the “enough-ness” that remains as we strip away the demands placed on us by self-defining through achievements and roles.
A woman’s midlife crisis is actually an… awakening
Similar to the conversation about women in midlife, in her book, A Radical Awakening, Dr. Shefali poses questions about how, if we allow ourselves to be fully conscious in our own lives, we begin to challenge our own perceptions of who we are and who other women are who surround us. She shares that she sees many of us as prisoners to a narrative that was created for us by our parents (and our mothers by their parents and so on) and the cultures in which we were raised, and that we, as obedient and rule-following “good girls” have done our very best to star in the roles that were written for us, but not by us. However, if we become fully “conscious” and can see our lives as fulfilling these roles and expectations, we soon realize that we are living lives that may or may not actually be aligned with the longings within our souls and bodies. Midlife, then, invites introspection that can be terrifying and freeing, all at once.
Dr. Shefali shares that many of us, in order to uphold the lives that we’re told we need to live, adopt personas which she refers to as “masks” that fit a certain typology. We then utilize these masks in order to protect our own egos which are our very vulnerable, true and unique selves. Shefali explains that these personas are best broken into the categories of Giver, Victim, Martyr, Savior, and Bleeding Empath. Though we often relate to all of the personas, we very likely identify most closely with one.
Women in “midlife crisis” need honest conversation
After my own divorce several years ago, I was confronted by several people who directly asked if I was in a midlife crisis. While I understood the concern or trepidation that others felt about my life shift, the assumption made was that I must be crazy to disrupt what appeared to others to be a very perfect life.
As “perfect” as my life was, my awakening was that the “perfection” of my life was, in fact, someone else’s definition of perfect - a house, two beautiful children, and a handsome husband. For me, that perfect life echoed with loneliness and disconnection from a person who, in reality, has always been ok with a fair amount of internal messiness - me. When I allowed myself to be really honest about my own needs and desires, external perfection looked much more like a part that I was playing rather than an actual life. And last I checked, I am not an actress, and my life is not a movie. Dr. Shefali had it right - the mask I was wearing served to protect me and others from acknowledging my own internal truth which would mean external upheaval for myself and those close to me.
Over the past few years, I’ve shared this story with others, often when asked, in hushed tones, “May I ask if you’re divorced?” This question, one that the seeker seems to fear asking, is one that I wish that we, as women, would feel more free to ask one another or to explore candidly. We fear asking the questions that could show our hands of uncertainty or unhappiness, instead opting to stay behind our own masks, politely stepping through our lives in measured steps, fearing derailment from the path we’re on. We choose, more often, silence or unanswered questions instead of ambiguity or noise. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
A radical conversation for women in midlife
Women deserve a safe, supportive environment for collective exploration of these important midlife issues rather than internalizing what they may be going through as a midlife crisis about which to feel shame or weirdness.
Last March, I was fortunate to have been published in Good Housekeeping with a personal essay about my nontraditional relationship/living arrangement. Though it was very scary to have some of my personal life out in the metaverse for public consumption and judgment, I felt equally scared of not sharing what, I hope, could allow other women to redefine how they want to live their lives.
At this midlife point, I’m finally more comfortable being ok with my pace, my design, and my story. If you’re looking for extra support on this midlife journey, wanting to get clear in what your “second act” might be, I offer support in the form of EMDR intensives for just this kind of exploration so that you can identify whether it’s a midlife crisis you’re having, or a midlife awakening! For me, the biggest crisis of all is a life unlived. Reach out!
“I am not an actress, and life is not a movie. Dr. Shefali had it right - the mask I was wearing served to protect me and others from acknowledging my own internal truth which would mean external upheaval for myself and those close to me.”
About The Author
Leah Rockwell, LPC, LCPC is a mother and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and Maryland. She provides online counseling for women struggling with the demands and burnout of motherhood. She is passionate about helping moms navigate the overwhelm associated with postpartum emotions, divorce, co-parenting, and career or creative dreams that feel beyond their reach. Leah is a respected expert and frequent contributor to wellness media outlets such as Women’s Health, Glamour, Livestrong, Bustle, Pop Sugar, and Entrepreneur to name a few.
